at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
