you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
