im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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