So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This is my gift to your gina
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dicks are not precious.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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