I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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