She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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