a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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