oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The uberlube is also flammable
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
