only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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