I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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