the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
