somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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