I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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