How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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