You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My vagina just recognized that song.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
