she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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