I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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