i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
