Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
