my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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