I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
