That's intense
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
