Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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