Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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