if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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