There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
