The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
