i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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