Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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