Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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