i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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