The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
