Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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