Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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