btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I did not marry a roomba.
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