You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
