Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
