She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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