I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
