my mouth tastes like poor choices
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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