I have demons in me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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