hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
