i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i came on her dog
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
