she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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