Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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