so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
