I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
