I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
