The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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