"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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