why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
